Friday, August 21

Verba Vivere

Nihil pretiosi facile capitur.
I do have faith, you know. To something that is leading. To something that's real. To something that is whispering.

"Come. This way. Come. This way."

In spite of the fact that not once, not twice I keep doubt it, but it will always lead me back to the track.
Well have you ever lost something -- and you're afraid of not finding another to replace what's lost? I live the exact life like that. I have the fear of losing that hasn't built in a day, that is gained with all my efforts, relentlessly, everyday. And by replacing it with a new one is just the same as I start over from the very beginning…. Not that I don't want to, but I think that my time to rebuild is no longer as much as yesterday.

My fear for the loss of all things may be associated with my accomplishments so far, because I have not got it. At least, yet. Or maybe I just stand my ground and keep believing all the tales I've created with my own mind, when the reality says no, I refuse to listen.

It somehow hits me, what if I just live an ordinary life… Not by questioning everything, no second-guessing anything that's brought to me. I just needed to see that as an opportunity, not something to be piled up and chose whenever the other options come up. Maybe I just think too much, or just maybe I don't want 'the other options'? What if, I just walk in my path, not by my own choice?

Maybe life will be much easier.

I'm not talking about giving up.

It's just me talking to myself, what if. what if. what if.

You know,
I have faith for long time. I lost it many years ago and it's restored somehow.
But what if, the faith is just my mind trick? it is just a fairy tale that my mind created? Because you see, sometimes it is more deadly because you are unable to see reality.
Nihil pretiosi facile capitur.
If it's only my mind tricked me this bad so I want it over. Everything should be over. Anything I own has to be gone. I want to end this. Because they are linked to each other inside me, making a powerful bond that strengthens me. If I have to lose one, then I'll lose everything. So what's the point of turning back to zero if my mind is the strongest memento? You can't just walk over something you've seen in the past without feeling anything, right?

If I lose everything, in conclusion, my world will collapse.

My faith has taken me this far. Thus, I still doubt my own guts. I've taken my freewill pill, that's bitter enough, and I don't intend to swallow more. If then it's worth to fight for, then it should be a bad-ass life, a life that I've never experienced before.
They say, "Nihil pretiosi facile capitur." --- Nothing worth having comes easily.
So the result has to be majestic, very decent kind of life.

Sunday, August 2

Somebody Loves You

Who’s around when the days feel long?
Who’s around when you can’t be strong?
Who’s around when you’re losing your mind?
Who cares that you get home safe?
Who knows you can’t be replaced?
Who thinks that you’re one of a kind?

Somebody misses you when you’re away
They wanna wake up with you everyday
Somebody wants to hear you say

Ooh somebody loves you
Ooh somebody loves you
Ooh somebody loves you
Ooh somebody loves you
Ooh somebody loves you

I’m around when your head is heavy
I’m around when your hands aren’t steady
I’m around when your day’s gone all wrong
I care that you feel at home
Cause I know that you feel alone
I think you’re going to miss me when I’m gone

Somebody misses you when you’re away
They wanna wake up with you everyday
Somebody wants to hear you say…

Ooh somebody loves you
Ooh somebody loves you
Ooh somebody loves you
Ooh somebody loves you
Ooh somebody loves you

Why don’t you come on over?
Why don’t you lay me down?
Does the pain feel better when I’m around?

If I am good to you, won’t you be good to me?
That’s how easy this should be.

Somebody misses you when you’re away
(Somebody misses you baby)
They wanna wake up with you everyday
(They wanna wake up with you)

Somebody wants to hear you say
(Oh they want you to say)

Ooh somebody loves you
Ooh somebody loves you
Ooh somebody loves you
Ooh somebody loves you
Ooh somebody loves you

Tuesday, July 21


It's the moment when you totally can't think positively. The only moment I said that I can't. I'm fully aware that maybe one day when he finally says that we're done, I am the one who can't face it, and I have to struggle one more time to get back up again with wounded heart.
I just can't. Not this time. He's everything to me and I just can't lose him.

Monday, July 20

Salted Wound

Don't let thoughts get in the way
Feel the fear and go in anyway
Take a chance ignoring what you know
Take her hand and don't let go

And you can do it, don't break. Yeah, you'll pull through it, you're safe
And you can do it, don't break.  Yeah,you'll pull through it, you're safe

Tell her all of how you feel,
Give her everything she needs to hear.

Give your heart a second chance, and she will see that you're a good man.
And you can do it, don't break.  Yeah, you'll pull through it, you're safe.

Saturday, July 18

Friday, July 17

A Hateful Man

Hello again!
Can't believe I write four times in two days row here. It's maybe just because I can't talk to anybody than you, my dearest friend. It's 5 years now you listened to my story and I know you'll never be bored. Even I'm getting older, me is still me. And you know me very well.

So as you know…
I am in love with the most hateful person in the world. Not because he hates people, no. He's the kindest, cheerful funny man who once treated the world as his most favorite game he'd always love to conquer. He never had a single shitty thought about anybody. When he dislikes something, it's never personal. He also never hates anyone so deeply he could play God by planning revenges. He's the easiest person I've ever met. At least that's what I see him on the surface.

Did you know, that I learned so much from him? Well maybe he was the first person who taught me how to give myself self-respect, and by giving me an endless support for my dreams. Ah, dreams! You know how much I didn't like to share any of my dreams! It was because I didn't believe how people would see that as big as I do. And this person, miraculously, understand what I am into.

So… He never hates people rather than he heated himself. For not being good enough for himself and people around him. Sometimes he hates how natural it is to make mistakes, how fine it is to disappoint people. He hates when the Earth finally touches the darkest side, so that he can't provide any lights for us. Because that's what he always does. Because that's who he is.

When I keep reminding him that there'll be so many problems (yes I'm quite sure that I can be one of those, maybe the biggest of them all), and nothing he can't defeat. He's so strong and I know that without any further explanation why me believing that -- it's just because he proved he could do that million times. He's modern achilles and he's also mine.

God I love him so much. Simple because for being a human.

It's not the first time when he decided to pull himself out of the world, including me. He sometimes takes the momentum when I am pissed or he pissed so much he couldn't handle. He, then, became the stranger in our relationship, leaving me no clue or any pint-points where the hell do I have to begin (or finish)? He's just maybe, simply being a human with his own fucked-up mind, endless problems, (in any other things that maybe God and himself who know.

It's just temporary, isn't it?
Or…. is the time finally up?

Well I don't have a clue either.

Dear friend, you know that I never made limitation for any of my relationships. I wanted them to be long lasting, never ending bittersweet story to be told to my grand children. Maybe I'm that old. I can't be a girl who play around and fall for another. I don't want any of my relationships hit the expiration button, but…

You know,
I was wrong. I am wrong.

Anything has never been set to FOREVER. Anything has its own expiration button, now or later. Visible or not.

But if I could have a wish…
This man right here I've told you… Maybe I interpreted him wrong, but I don't care. I hope he finally gets that life will never pick favorites; everybody gets happiness and sadness equally. So at least he could hate himself less, day by day.


I wanted to call him. Just to see how he was doing. But I can't do that.

You can't just talk to someone who held your heart in their palm and pretend it never happened.

I wanted to ask why it was so hard to get over him. I wanted to know if he felt pain like knives in his sides like I did. I wanted to know if he ever felt lonely when he listened to music, or if things reminded him of the memories we made.

I wanted to say that I couldn't remember the sound of him saying my name anymore and sometimes that scared me but I knew it was important, and that our last kiss wasn't anything like in the movies, that it was so brief the wind had swept it away before I'd had a chance to commit it to memory. I wanted to explain how now I'd forgotten everything apart from the way he made me feel, like I could do anything, like love wasn't just for perfect people, like love could also be for me.

So my God...
I wanted to call him, but instead I sat on the floor and drank shots like they were tea. To be honest I don't know if I still loved him, but then I suppose you have to love someone to miss them like that; like hell, like absolute-fucking hell.


Thursday, July 16

The Drug

Everyone always asks me if I do drugs. I always say no, but lately I've realized that I do.

It's you.

And you're the most addictive of them all. I think that I'm over it...

But then a song plays or a memory comes and then you relapse. You build up these walls and you don't let anyone in. This drugs makes you forget about the world, I guess that's why I do it. You feel something that you can't feel with anything else.

So, when someone asks if I've done drugs, I'll say yes.

You're my drug and I've relapsed yet again, and again, and again.

How am I supposed to live without you? Quitting you isn't as easy as it seems.

Wednesday, July 15

Traveled Through Time

I've traveled through my own blog here, not because feeling nostalgic. I just wanted to know to handle a situation...

It's not the first time, yet it's never been familiar. I can't get used to it because it's always new.

I hate to know that over time, I never changed. My erratic emotions and bad mouth always hurt people around me. I hate to know that I may lose people who love me with all their hearts because of what I do to them.

I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
If only I could see you right now,
If only I could make it right again,
If only you could give me one more chance..
I want to make everything like we used to.

Having the idea of losing you never come across my mind, because I don't want to lose you.

Monday, March 30

Why You May Lose Friends On Your Road To Success

Success is a decision that is tough to make because it’s not easy in any sense of the word. The main reason for this is you have to let go the people from your past with whom you may have strong relationships. Here are some reasons you need to let a few friends go.

(1). If Your Friends See Successful is Only the Sake of Money...

Just because you choose success doesn’t mean your friends will. In general, people have a natural tendency to not want to be left behind whether they realize it or not. Some close friends will make you feel bad for making too much. Many of them will suddenly expect you to pay for everything just because you are making more than them. I know this because I used to be one of those people and now I know what I was doing.

(2). If Your Friends Can't Shake Their First Impression on You...

They see you for who you were and not who you are becoming. A few close friends will see you for the bumbling, unsuccessful person that you used to be. In many ways, I can’t blame them. It is really hard to shake first impressions. The only friends you want to keep are the ones who support you along the way and realize the new man or woman in their life.

(3) If You Have to Leave Your Old Have-Fun-Go-Mad Habit...

Once you are successful, you will have conflicting values. A big lifestyle change has to occur to become successful whether you like that fact or not. For instance, you may wake up every day at 6am to start the day off strong but how are you going to do that if your party friend is always encouraging you to stay out till 2am? It is very hard my friend. Is it Possible? Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it. You may begin to improve your character, which is necessary for success, and so you will be disturbed by lack of it in your friends who aren’t successful. Be careful who you allow to influence your life and strength of character.

(4) If Your Income is Equal to the Sum of Your 5 Closest Friends...

Your income will equal the sum of your 5 closest friends. Don't believe me? Think about it for a second. I remember hearing this and realizing the truth of it for the first time. Don't get me wrong, I don't want you to give up your friends because they don't make more than you. But it is something you have to be aware of: if you choose the wrong friends, you may choose your financial fate.

(5) If You Have that Pack of Friends Who See You as a Walking Billfold...

A few friends may start asking you for favors all of the sudden.
"Can you lend me money, I need rent."
"CAn you help me pay some debt off?"
"I need to pay for books for school, can you help out?"
Be careful with subtle hints like "Ahh man my rent is due in two days". I encourage you to help your friends but you and I both know the difference between helping a friend and being the go-to person to provide support.

(6) The Kind of 'Lose' That is Not a Loss at All.

When you start becoming successful, you may hide who you are so your friends won't feel bad. Let me tell you that this is no way to live. If you don't have friends who you can't be yourself around, then you have to find a better group of friends. However, if they accept the new success and there is no ill will at all, by all means, keep them in your life.

(7) Only Listen to People Who Support Your Dreams.

The main factor in being successful is ATTITUDE. You probably have friends who don’t support your dreams and have no qualms about telling you. Tell me this. How are you going to fully and I mean fully commit to your dreams if you have people telling you that you can’t accomplish them. It would be hard to do so. A positive attitude is nowhere near as contagious as a negative and that’s why you have to be very careful with the things you allow into your mind.

** NOTE:
Actually it's not my writing. I copied and made some change in order to fit in my situation. Well maybe there's a bunch of other explanations why do I live in such solitary shell.

I don't always trust people who I barely know, or people who always talk other people with me, freely. I know in some other time they will do the same with others. Backstabbing. I am anti bullish!t and sort of thing. I know I live in that kinda world but I don't blend. I hate to blend, honestly.

No, I am not an antisocial or something I do like hanging out with some folks (usually my boyfriend's friends), laughing out loud, talking nonsense. I like to gather in a bonfire, listening to people's stories, too. But that's all that. You know, people like me prefers to do something -- or maybe just doing nothing rather than spreading bullish!ts, talking ONLY when we have to. I know I'm not the only one. But… 

I don't have such passion in community, because I know there'll be so many levels I have to achieve or you'll never be recognized at all. It's all about surviving, I think. There will always be so-called seniors, juniors, newbies, rookies, et cetera, et cetera, and I am not so into that kinda thing.

But you may ask me, do I like challenges? Yes I do. In my own way. I seek challenges in every possible way just to keep myself 'sharp'.

You see. I post something here only when I have time (in spare of my working time that is 24/7, every single day, in a month) and I admit that now is not really the time.

You know, I don't really have 'that' friends or any other kinda friends left in my last days of 25 years old. Now I am blogging because I feel so lonely. I am, I was. Nothing's gonna change that.

Until I found this writing outta nowhere and I just felt. Holy fvck this is so me.

Thank you, Frankers. You're right. In your road of success, you don't need people who burden you with guilts.

See the original of the 7 points of "Why You May Lose Friends On Your Road to Success" HERE.

Sunday, January 25

A Lesson [Never] Learned

Hi folks!
(Look how an introverted person talks to her imaginary friend)

Today is Sunday. Supposed to be the day full of sunbeam and such, I think. But not today and the other day and the other day before the other day, and nine days before today. Somebody says that the weather will be like this until February. I'm sick of rainy days and the gloomy effect it causes. I don't know, maybe I'm not in the good mood or my mood board is ruined by a single stupid, silly mistake.

I'm sorry for dragging you into this, folks.
I guess I've never learned a lesson.

which is…
stop being a control freak.

I have a huge huge huge talks with three friends yesterday in three different places, and I couldn't hold back my tears listening to their wise words. --- or maybe because I'm so fucked up so everything goes poetically wise? Again, I don't know.

A friend named X told me that,
"it's not entirely your fault to be a control freak. you're the oldest kid in the house and you need everything goes perfect -- or you'll be damned if it isn't. I mean, the first child has a responsibility toward his / her younger siblings. They tend to protect, caring, and (shit!) worrying. And sometimes it's too much. The eldest, also, tends to think that it's their faults if everything goes wrong."

But you know what, I even feel so damn tired being like that. I want to be less care, less protective, less in everything. Especially when my over-controlling behavior hurts someone so bad.

Though I have never learned anything at all. I lost people I loved because I was an over-controlling bitch.

And another friend of mine named O told me that,
"Your whining time is over. Now think about what your life is gonna be and what will you do with it. You may be hurt somebody, you ask for forgiveness, and if it's not granted, maybe he / she is not ready to accept your 'mistake' as 'a mistake'. Get over it, and be someone who sees a mistake is a mistake. Learn your lesson, and if you want to cry, cry now. Don't cry over months to ask someone to get back to you if he doesn't want it. Please, I'm begging you. This is the very last time you cry!" (Yes, he begged while I was sobbing).

I hate the process. I mean, once I've been thru this and the lesson never learned at all. Though maybe I'm not leveling up. I hate how I have to walk with head full of regrets and sorry, and words that have never been spoken (nicely). I hate being me sometimes.

And another (cute and pretty) friend of mine told me that,
"It's not easy to let go people who don't want you anymore. But you can't be cruel to them, by not letting them go. And also cruel to you, 'cause you follow your ego. I know it isn't easy, it isn't as smooth as I say this. You'll cry in you bed every night, wishing upon nothing that he will stay."

I've been thru a moment like this. I cried a lot, and was being a miserably skinny, self-tortured bitch. I was in that phase.

That's because I have never learned my lesson.